Welcome to the twenty-third blog post in the series “Monthly Mindset Shift”! As the name indicates, this series has one new post per month and will continue for the next several months. Each post in the series details a positive mindset shift we can make surrounding a feeling or experience that generally has a negative connotation. (Spoiler alert: For this post, that experience is seeking vengeance!) These shifts aren’t designed to erase all of our difficult/unwanted emotions around the topic at hand. Rather, they simply serve to improve our general outlook on the matter, which can, in turn, improve our actions and our outcomes. They’re all the more proof that a healthier, more constructive mindset can change the game!
If you’ve been feeling wronged by someone (or it’s undoubtable that you were), your natural instinct might be to seek vengeance. You might feel the anger bubbling within you, so much so that it has no choice but to unleash itself through revenge. We hear the expression “sweet revenge” all the time, but today I’m challenging the idea that the only possible sweet outcome of being wronged is wronging that person back. Instead, I’m proposing a new way…
The mindset shift…
…What if the sweetest thing you can do for yourself is to simply keep it moving? What if that’s where your true power lies? The thing is, getting revenge may give us a false, fleeting sense of power. But what have we truly gained from it? If anything, we’ve given our time and energy to someone who probably doesn’t deserve it from us.
When you look at it that way, vengeance is essentially cutting your nose to spite your face. Sure, you’re “getting [the other person] back”, but at what cost? Wouldn’t time and energy poured into your own cup be much more well-spent? You’re a whole lot more likely to feel the positive, long-lasting effects of these investments than you would of investments into spiting someone else. See, “sweet revenge” is only sweet in the immediate aftermath. How about “sweet self-care” instead? That’s sweetness that goes the distance!
To clarify, no, the point of this shift into self-care and self-betterment is not to “show” them how well you’re doing. Rather, one of the goals is to get yourself to the point of not caring whether or not they see; to have too much going for you to even notice who’s watching! Sure, if they happen to see, you won’t be mad about it! However, the real purpose here is doing what’s good for your soul and letting your ego fall to the wayside.
More food for thought…
For whatever reason this person did what they did, not every action deserves a reaction. Depending on the circumstances of your relationship and where the act was coming from, there are a number of sensible, constructive routes to go. If this is someone who you genuinely believe intended to hurt you, sometimes the best response is silence. Why stoop to their level, letting their ill intent suck you into a vicious cycle? Alternatively, if their intentions are unclear, or it’s quite possible they didn’t intend to hurt you, it might be worth a mature, honest conversation, especially if it’s an important relationship to you. Instead of allowing your mind to jump to the worst case scenario and seeking vengeance, how about seeking a constructive path forward?
That path forward can look any number of ways, as every situation is different. However, a keyword here is constructive (head to last week’s post, Should You Take This Action? Ask Yourself This Question for more on this). What constructive outcome can come from going tit for tat? Honestly, it couldn’t sound more pointless and destructive to me! How about taking the part of you that they knocked down (or tried to) and working on building it back up, better and stronger than ever? Investing into the relationships with people who have a positive impact on your life? Letting go of the past? Forgiving, not for the other person or for the sake of maintaining your relationship (again, this can vary based on circumstances), but for your own wellbeing?
The bottom line…
Vengeance will never fill your cup in quite the same way that redirecting your energy into self-care will. You’re entitled to feeling hurt and angry; to having whatever conversation you feel is needed; to speaking your peace when necessary. At the same time, I encourage you to seek more for yourself than a needless game of “an eye for an eye”. You have so much bigger, brighter, and better things ahead of you!
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