Ah, a question as old as time…should we care what other people think about us? Throughout life, we’ve received mixed messages on this topic from all angles. Naturally, that means that it’s a topic with a lot of nuance. While the answer to the question isn’t a simple “yes” or “no”, what I hope to do in this blog post is simplify it as much as possible, while honoring that nuance. So, let’s dive in!
When we shouldn’t care…
The answer to this question actually relates back to what we think of ourselves. If you’re making decisions—and just living life—confidently, authentically, thoughtfully, etc., outside opinions should be nothing more than noise. You know why you’re doing what you’re doing; it’s coming from all the right places.
In this case, if you catch yourself having second thoughts based on someone else’s opinion, here’s your sign that there’s no need. Ultimately, no decision comes without arguments that can be made in favor of making the opposite decision. (My post Self-Doubt in Decision-Making: Why it Hits Us + How to Lessen It delves deeper into this concept). You could make the most extensive pros and cons list or diagram, mulling over every aspect of the situation time and time again. But none of those things are replacements for what you know in your heart is the right call. In fact, doing those things might just drive you crazy!
The point is, because arguments can be made in favor of a different decision than one you’re making, it’s highly possible that someone could disagree with it. But it isn’t that person’s decision to make or life to live. It’s your decision/life, you’re following your gut, and that’s what matters most! Even if you later regret a decision, it was a lesson you needed to learn in the way you did.
When we should care…
So, what about the opposite case scenario? Say you’re making a decision or living life in a way that you don’t quite align with, but you’re doing it for the sake of how others perceive you. The funny thing about that is, while you might be appeasing/impressing a subset of people, you certainly aren’t appeasing/impressing everyone. It’s even possible that the person/people whose opinion(s) you care about don’t have the reaction(s) you expected. In fact, they might recognize that it’s inauthentic, which could overpower anything else they’d otherwise think about it!
In the case that someone has a negative opinion about an untrue-to-yourself decision that you made, well, that negative opinion should tell you something. It should tell you that placing other people’s opinions at the forefront of your decisions is a recipe for failure. Not only has your desired outcome (gaining people’s approval / respect / admiration) failed to come true, but you made a decision that not even you stand by!
None of this is to say that other people’s negative opinions are, all of a sudden, important when you’re not being true to yourself. It’s to say that those negative opinions are symbolic of an actual problem. If your goal is to operate with integrity, confidence, authenticity, honesty, etc., the way to do so is by making decisions that you wouldn’t agree with someone else’s criticisms about. If you do find yourself agreeing (not to be confused with natural second-guessing yourself), let that be your wakeup call to make a different decision. To quote my Thanksgiving post from last year, 5 Underrated Things to be Grateful For, “for as long as you’re living, it’s never too late to do things differently, in better alignment with what you want.”
The people who are meant for you will be drawn to the best, most authentic version of you. These are the people to whom you’ll want to accurately represent yourself. It’s that accurate representation that will attract them to you. In that context, it’s actually a good thing to care what others think about you. You want the right people for you to gravitate and the wrong people to know you’re not for them! It saves those wrong-for-you people, and you, time from incompatible relationships.
Another consideration…
As for well-meaning people offering advice when you could use it, it’s okay to take the advice into consideration. Sometimes outsiders, especially those who genuinely want the best for you, have insight to share that can actually be helpful. It doesn’t make you any less authentic to pivot based on new perspectives that you find valuable.
At the same time, if their advice doesn’t resonate with you, that’s okay too. If this person is right for you, they won’t force their opinions on you, and they’ll respect your decisions. If that doesn’t sound like them, chances are, they’re not someone whose advice you’d want to take anyway.
The bottom line…
To sum it up, when you’re…
•Staying true to yourself
•Doing what you know is best for yourself
•Aligning your decisions with your values
•Aiming to put your best foot forward
•Being reasonably considerate and thoughtful of whoever’s involved
…anything negative that someone else has to say should fade into the background. If you’re going to care what others think about you, may it be for the sake of ensuring you’re staying true to yourself and attracting the right relationships. As for the rest, brush it off, because it’s just noise!