With all of the dating advice out there, it can be tough to set our own relationship standards and maintain them. Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all, so there’s no one perfect set of standards we should all follow. However, what if we can simply refer to 3 umbrella categories as a guide to writing our own? Within each of the 3 following categories, the subcategories are where you come in. While there’ll be ideas for inspiration, you’ll ultimately define what each subcategory means to you and how to honor them when dating. So, let’s dive in!
Category #1: Compatibility
This often tends to be the hardest to come by in a partner, because it’s all-encompassing of several areas of life. You can be compatible in some ways, but if you’re incompatible in other ways, it may not be enough. Certain areas of compatibility may be more important for you than others.
For instance, maybe you have a general preference on where you want to live long-term, but it’s not a make-or-break. If a prospective partner is compatible with you in all the important ways, but a life with them would lead you somewhere other than your preferred location, you might be willing to bend on that. You can compromise by visiting and vacationing at your favorite location(s) often. Alternatively, maybe your religious views are central to who you are, and you deeply desire a partner whose views align. If a prospective partner is compatible with you in just about every significant way except for that one, that alone could be a dealbreaker for you.
Ultimately, a large part of determining compatibility is knowing yourself as intimately as possible. I always advocate for us each being our own best friend, and this right here is one of the many reasons why! The better you know yourself, the better-equipped you’ll be to choose a partner who aligns with you. It’s never fun to be in a relationship where you essentially speak completely different languages on the topics that matter most to you. It’s also never fun to feel like you have to force a relationship to work when it’s not easily integrating into both your lives. That’s not to say you need to think exactly the same way about everything or that everything needs to be easy. Relationships inevitably require effort and face hard times. However, some hardships are temporary, handleable, and worth it to work through, whereas others just aren’t.
In order to write your compatibility standards, consider the roles that each of the following topics play in your life. As per the examples above, they don’t all need to hold the same weight to you. It’s just a matter of confidently knowing how much weight they each hold, and what that means for what you’re looking for in a partner / relationship. This is not an exhaustive list, but it does cover a lot of ground, and hopefully it gives you some food for thought!
Career
Where do you fall on the work-life balance spectrum? Does the lifestyle that your career has created for you present limitations for what type of lifestyle your partner would need to have? What do you imagine/hope for your work life to look like upon settling down? What are your career goals?
FINANCES
How free or strict are your spending habits? What holds the most value to you in terms of purchases and investments? What are your financial goals?
HEALTH/FITNESS
What does health look like to you? How important is healthy eating to you? What about exercise?
WHERE TO LIVE
What part of the world do you want to live in? How important is it to stay close to your family and friends? What type of home do you want to live in—house, apartment, etc.?
POLITICS
How strong are your political views, and what are they? Why? Do you actively watch the news and/or tune into other news sources? How do your views trickle into your everyday life?
RELIGION
How strong are your religious views, and what are they? Why? Is it enough for you that your partner supports your faith and/or perhaps has a generally similar faith, or is it important to you that they have the same faith? How does your faith impact your everyday life—do you pray, go to a house of worship, have dietary restrictions, etc.?
MARRIAGE
Do you want marriage? Why or why not? If so, at what timeline would you ideally like to get engaged and married? How do you view marriage, and what would you want yours to look like?
ROLES WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP
Do you want a dynamic where you each contribute financially AND you each contribute to household duties? Or do you want a dynamic where one of you handles one of those things (whether solely or predominately), while the other handles the other? Why? If the latter, which of those roles would you like to take on? If the former, what might splitting both roles look like, in your ideal scenario?
THE FAMILY YOU CAME FROM
How close are you with your family? What role(s) do you want them to play in your life—and your future children’s lives, should you have them—long-term? How about your partner’s family? What kind of dynamic would you like to have with them?
CREATING YOUR OWN FAMILY
Do you want kids? Why or why not? How firm are you on that stance? If you do want kids, do you know how many you want, at least approximately? How do you imagine your parenting style to be? What are some non-negotiable’s for you in terms of how you’d want to raise them? If you don’t want kids, what are other ways you’d want to fill your time?
PETS
Do you want pets? If so, what kind?
TRAVEL
How often do you like to travel? To what destinations would you like to travel in the future?
VALUES
What values are most important to you? What traits make you who you are, and how do these influence what traits you desire in a partner?
GENERAL OUTLOOK ON LIFE
Do you prioritize positivity?—I’d imagine so if you’re a reader of this blog! What lens do you look at life through?
COMMUNICATION STYLES
What kind of a communicator are you? Ex: direct, thoughtful, gentle, honest, etc. What do you value most in a communicator?
These are all great journaling prompts that you can dig deep on! It’s not only an amazing way to craft your standards but to explore questions about yourself that you may’ve never thought of. Sometimes we live on autopilot mode, forgetting to look inward and ask ourselves why we do what we do. The “why”s and “why not”s behind these prompts could reveal more about yourself than anything else. You may even find upon journaling about these topics that there are things you want to work on. For instance, you might realize that your financial habits don’t align with your goals, or that you’ve put too much weight on a goal for the wrong reasons. Regardless, it’s a great exercise that I encourage you to try!
Category #2: Connection
You and someone else can be perfect for each other on paper, but do you really connect on a soul level? Does being with them light you up? This one is harder to quantify than compatibility, as it’s more of an “I’ll know it when I feel it” thing. While, like I mentioned before, I firmly believe we should each be our own best friend, I firmly believe that we should also each be best friends with our significant other when we have one. Without a deep emotional connection, it may feel like a rather robotic relationship.
It can be tough to set well-defined standards for a connection in advance, because again, it’s less quantifiable. However, here’s a series of feelings you might want to be on the lookout for. Again, these are just ideas, and you can take whichever ones resonate with you, and add your own!
•Being best friends with your partner
•Deeply caring about each other and wanting the best for each other
•Bringing out the best in each other
•Finding it easy to express yourself, communicate, and converse with each other
•Being able to be open, honest, and authentic with each other
•Making each other smile and laugh; having similar senses of humor
•Feeling like you can talk to each other about anything
•Feeling like you both want to be with each other equally and passionately
A key theme among the items on this list is the phrase “each other”. Connection should be mutual—in fact, the word “connection” itself implies it! This is a topic you can journal about as well. Ask yourself the question, what does a strong connection look and feel like to you? You can even take the ideas on this list and expand upon them, with specific examples that pertain to you personally. This is a great way to feel connected to your future partner, perhaps before you even know they exist!
Category #3: Chemistry / attraction
Let’s face it—romantic relationships naturally have a physical component to them. While the beneath-the-surface aspects discussed above are ultimately most important, attraction matters too. If one or both of you aren’t attracted to each other, you may as well just be friends!
With that being said, attraction is a funny thing. Someone may not be your “type” on paper, but something unexplainable may draw you to them. (See last week’s post Ways that Attraction Goes Beyond Looks: Become Your Most Attractive). Maybe it’s their infectious laugh or the way they light up when they talk about their passion or how they look at you. You may not have picked them out of a lineup for being the “hottest” before you got to know them. But after a few dates, you might see them in a whole new light, and now they’re the sexiest person you’ve ever seen!
So, this isn’t always something you can gage immediately. I’d say that as long as you find something about them physically attractive at first glance, and you’re not turned off by them, give it a little time to let the attraction grow. If it doesn’t, that’s okay—it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe you can still be friends, but either way, it doesn’t make you wrong for wanting a relationship where attraction is present. In fact, you’re giving that person the opportunity to connect with someone who is attracted to them.
As for writing standards for this category, I’d encourage you to think beyond specific physical attributes. Sure, you might have preferences for specific hair color, eye color, body type, etc., which is fair. However, I’d focus on how you want your chemistry with them and attraction toward them to feel. Some examples for inspiration may include but aren’t limited to the following…
•Giving each other butterflies (not to be confused with constant anxiety—you should ultimately bring each other peace but also excite each other)
•Having intense eye contact that oozes chemistry
•Wanting to be close to each other
•Wanting to be affectionate and intimate with each other; both enjoying it when you are
•Finding that each other’s personalities make them more physically attractive
•Having a strong physical connection
Again, you can certainly journal about these things, while remaining open to how they’ll look and feel in reality. Also, again, emphasis on “each other”, because attraction should be mutual! Just like you’d want to give them the opportunity to connect with someone who’s attracted to them when you’re not, you should want that opportunity for yourself if the roles were reversed. Attraction is way hotter when it’s reciprocated!
The bottom line…
And that wraps up your guide to crafting your own relationship standards! Defining what we want can be difficult at times. There are so many things that make someone who they are, and that make a relationship what it is, to consider. However, hopefully this concise approach to developing your standards can help you look at it from a more targeted view!
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