Happy Valentine’s Week! Have you ever thought to yourself, “it’s especially important to be confident when *insert an experience or status in life* here”? For instance, have you considered confidence more important when you’re single than it is when you’re in a relationship? Or vice versa? Well, what if I told you that confidence is just about equally as beneficial for ALL seasons of your life, including all seasons of your love life? Today, we’re breaking down exactly how confidence matters for each possible relationship status—plus some tips for attaining confidence no matter what your status at any given time!
1- Single / not currently dating at all
Confident in your own company
When you’re single, while you may spend plenty of time with friends and family, there’s a good chance you spend more time alone than the average person who’s in a relationship. Additionally, you’re more likely to attend events without a plus one. As a result of these things, it’s important to feel good in your solitude.
TIP: As cliché as it may sound, and as unnatural as it may feel in the beginning, date yourself! Take yourself on “dates” that you would enjoy, whether it be going out to eat, going to the movies, etc. Going out by yourself may take some getting used to if you haven’t done much of it yet. The more you do it, though, the more comfortable—and thereby confident—you’ll be doing it.
When you’re at home alone and you’ve completed your day’s responsibilities, make the most of your quality time with yourself. Whether it be journaling, pampering yourself, working out, reading a good book, watching a good TV show, etc., maximize the time through self-care in whatever forms work best for you. Show yourself that you can spend time in your lonesome and actually enjoy it. The more positive associations that you can create with alone time, the more confidence you’re bound to develop in your own company!
Confident in who you are as an individual
Singleness can spark a lot of introspection and identity-based questions. That’s because there’s no one else to consider in a romantic capacity when reflecting on what truly makes you who you are. Hence, it’s a perfect time to explore that person on a deep level and establish a greater sense of self.
TIP: Though this was mentioned in passing in the last tip, do some journaling! Journal about the parts of yourself that you love, those that you’re working on, and those that you’re still learning. Journal about your goals, dreams, passions, values, etc. All of this will help you organize your reflection and perhaps even inspire you to act on it when applicable! For example, if you’ve journaled about a passion project you want to work on, let that be the best prompt you could ask for to start working on it. The more embodied you are in your truest self, the more easily you’ll attract the right person for you!
Confident that you’ll meet the right person when the time is right
If you’ve been single for a long time, you might have your moments of feeling like you’ll be single forever. However, if you’re not currently putting yourself in positions to date, that might be because you’re not currently ready, or just because you’ve gotten comfortable being single.
TIP: If and when you feel ready, reenter the dating scene on your own terms. This could mean any number of things—getting on dating apps, going out more, making your availability & interest known to those who may have someone to set you up with, etc. By getting back out there, even if it takes a while for you to get into a relationship, at least you’re taking action toward that goal and expanding your perception of what’s possible for you.
If you don’t feel ready yet, reflect on why this might be. There could be plenty of different reasons for this (to name a few examples, trust issues from previous relationships, having lingering feelings for an ex, wanting to self-improve in a certain area, not quite knowing what you’re looking for in a partner yet, etc.). It’s just a matter of identifying your specific reason and helping yourself in whatever way(s) possible.
In the meantime, know that there’s no need to put yourself out there before you’re ready. In fact, rushing yourself can be a recipe for heartache for all parties involved. There’s nothing wrong with being single, and you can make this an amazing time for yourself! The less you fixate on when your single spell will be broken, the more likely you are to exude the confidence that will attract the right person for you when the time is right!
Confident that you’ll make for a great partner when the time comes
If you’ve never been in a relationship, or it’s been a long time since you were last in one, you might not know exactly what kind of partner you’ll be to your next significant other. However, the more confidence you have in the type of partner you’ll be, the more confidence you’ll bring with you into the dating scene.
TIP: My advice encompasses my tips from the first two points: 1) date yourself / treat yourself how you intend to treat your future partner and 2) reflect / journal on what kind of partner you want to be. If you’re struggling to figure it out, think about the kind of partner you want to have. Are there things about that ideal partner that you also want to embody as a partner? Hone in on these qualities in your non-romantic relationships, including that with yourself. This will be good practice for your future romantic relationship(s)!
2- Single / actively talking to & dating people
Confident in all of the ways mentioned above, since you are still single
Refer to all the points under “Single / not currently dating at all”, because they all apply here too! The second one (confident in who you are as an individual) is especially important here, because having a strong sense of self will help you better convey who you are to your dates. In those early stages, your dates are virtual strangers. They don’t know the most important things about you. That’s why it’s your job to know these things well and communicate them properly.
TIP: Practice communicating these important things about yourself, whether in writing or verbally. As corny as it may sound, you can actually script exactly how you’d want to express these things to your date! Obviously you wouldn’t take that script with you to a date and read from it (lol). However, if you at least have a general sense of what points you want to get across, that can help you communicate more confidently and effectively!
So confident that no “rejection” could shake your confidence (certainly not for long)
When you’re going on a fair share of dates, you’re bound to encounter the occasional “ghost”, or if they’re a bit more considerate, the occasional formal breaking-off of seeing you. It’s unfortunately a part of dating that’s nearly impossible to skip over. Fortunately, though, you can do some mental preparation for these disappointments.
TIP: Start seeing “rejections” as nothing more than indications that you and the other person wouldn’t be in a compatible, mutually fulfilling relationship if things were to have progressed. To put it bluntly, it’s not that deep, and it’s not a reflection of your worth. Sound familiar? *Cough cough Monthly Mindset Shift: How to Handle Failure with Confidence*! When you do meet the person who properly recognizes your worth and wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with them, now that’ll be deep.
In the meantime, remind yourself that someone not wanting to pursue a relationship with you says much more about your lack of compatibility with this person than it does about you. Certain people just don’t click or resonate with each other, whether due to something on paper or something unexplainable. With all the variables involved in finding your perfect match, it’s only natural for it to be a bit of a numbers game. But with each “rejection”, you’re one step closer to the right person for you!
Confident in your standards / that you’re not “asking for too much”
To emphasize the end of the last point, dating is a bit of a numbers game, thanks to all that a strong relationship requires. There should be compatibility in all the areas important to you both, deep connection, chemistry, mutual attraction, etc. It’s no surprise that this winning combination can take a while to come by. Amid your wait, you may be tempted to settle for someone who checks some boxes, but not all the important ones. However, a relationship that you’re settling for isn’t a sustainable one. Even if it lasts, your heart will always feel like something’s missing.
TIP: Make your list (or lists plural) of everything you want and need in a partner / relationship. Some things might be extras that you don’t need in order to be happy. Those things aren’t “make-or-break”s. Most things, though, should be those of greater importance to you. If someone comes along who can’t fulfill those things, see that as a sign that it’s not meant to be. If that person checked any of your boxes, let it serve as an affirmation that what you want and need is out there! You’re getting *closer* to the right person for you!
Just as important as knowing what you want is, it’s important to be able to reflect those qualities yourself. For instance, if you deeply desire someone who’s compassionate, ask yourself if you are compassionate in your everyday life. If not, that doesn’t mean you need to remove it from your standards list. It just means it’s something for you to work on. Your goal should be to confidently say that you’re the right partner for the type of partner you want. This is the best way to ensure that, no, you’re not asking for too much!
Confident in your future happily-ever-after even when the dating scene feels hopeless
After a series of dead-end dates, you may find yourself losing hope that your person is out there. As cliché as it may sound, though, good things come to those who wait.
TIP: Amid your wait, you may want to reevaluate how you’ve been meeting the people you’ve gone on dates with. Consider if there may be better ways for you to meet people going forward. Think about what kind of person you’re looking for, and where you could imagine them spending their time. This could give you insight on where to go, as long as it feels authentic to you.
If you’ve been meeting people on dating apps and want to continue doing so, reevaluate your dating profile. Make sure that it’s conveying the important information about you that will more likely result in better matches. If, even then, you don’t feel they’re working for you, there’s nothing wrong with coming off of them temporarily or permanently. While many modern love stories originate online, it’s absolutely possible for yours to originate elsewhere if that just doesn’t resonate with you. It’s just a matter of getting out there and making yourself available in real life!
These simple changes might just spruce up your dating pool with more potential for success! And just as I said for singles who aren’t currently dating, try not to fixate on when the dry spell will be broken. Instead, make the most of this season of your life!
3- In an official relationship, engaged, or married
Confident that your partner still finds you attractive/desirable
After being with someone for a while, it’s normal to fall into a routine where your attraction to each other isn’t expressed as clearly or regularly as it could be. However, being in a long-term relationship with someone doesn’t mean you don’t still need to be reminded of how attracted (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) your partner is to you, or vice versa. It’s this ongoing mutual reassurance that will give you both an added boost of confidence in how you feel about each other.
TIP: Prioritize regularly scheduled romantic dates! While everyone’s schedule and responsibilities vary, carving out time for keeping your romance alive is important for both partners’ confidence in the relationship. As easy as it is to let the hectic nature of life take over, especially if you have children, your relationship will thank you if you honor its need for a little extra TLC! Additionally, keep complimenting each other, both regarding physical things and admirable qualities beneath the surface. Make those compliments as specific as possible to show each other that you’re still paying close attention. Words of affirmation can go a long way!
Confident enough in your relationship to facilitate direct, healthy, two-way communication—even when it’s difficult
Regardless of your relationship status, strong communication is a vital skill that will help you through all kinds of situations in life. In a relationship, though, strong communication becomes all the more necessary. Relationships involve navigating conflict, expressing your feelings/needs, responding to their feelings/needs, checking in with each other regularly, etc. It’s much easier to communicate effectively when you have confidence in the foundation of your relationship.
TIP: Sometimes the difficult things to say to your partner are the important things. If you’re with the right person for you, it’s these conversations that will strengthen your relationship. In the case that you’re not the right match, these conversations wouldn’t be why the relationship doesn’t work out. Rather, they’d expedite the process of figuring this out. Either way, as long as it’s communicated thoughtfully and respectfully, the truth will always bring you closer to where you need to be, no matter where that is.
Confident in your own identity as an individual, separate and apart from your partner
A strong sense of identity isn’t just crucial for singles. It’s just as important when you’re in a relationship—and can be easier to lose your grasp on if you’re not mindful about it.
TIP: Just like you would if you were single, you can still date yourself! We all need alone time to feel more connected to ourselves and do the things that fulfill us. Despite likely having a lot in common with your partner, you’re naturally not going to have all the same likes and dislikes. Hence, you could each benefit from solo time to pursue your own interests. While your partner is a huge part of your life, rightfully so, they don’t need to be your entire life. In fact, it’s healthier for both of you as individuals, as well as your relationship, to pour time into yourselves. You’ll likely find that you appreciate each other more upon doing so!
4- Going through a breakup
Confident enough to walk away when it no longer feels healthy, happy, or right for you (particularly if you’re the breaker-upper)
Being the person to end a relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially if it was a relationship that was once great for both partners. However, when you know it’s run its course, acting on that assessment is in both of your best interests.
TIP: Be completely honest with yourself about your true feelings regarding the relationship. Journal your feelings, and if necessary, make a list of reasons why the relationship isn’t right. Refer to this list when you need the occasional reminder that your judgment is correct. While this may not make it any easier to pull the plug, at least it should give you the extra confidence in your decision to prevent you from having major regrets.
Confident enough not to internalize the breakup as an indication that you’re lacking something (especially if you’re the broken-up-with)
Being the person who gets broken up with comes with its own challenges. For instance, it’s normal to feel self-doubt, making it a critical time to work on your confidence.
TIP: Just like getting “rejected” by a date, remember that getting broken up with isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s simply a reflection of your incompatibility with this person. If the relationship isn’t meant to be, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently to change that. Allow yourself to feel your very valid feelings about the breakup while reminding yourself that it doesn’t make you any less worthy of your happily-ever-after, nor does it make you any less likely to have it when the time—and person—are right for you.
At the same time, you probably learned a lot from being in this relationship. Depending on the circumstances, it could prompt various forms of growth that you take with you into future relationships. Maybe you’ll grow as a partner, raise your standards for future partners, or a little bit of both. Regardless, it’s all progress to be proud of yourself for!
Confident enough to know that you will find someone who’s a better fit for you when the time is right
Just as the last point said, a breakup doesn’t make you any less worthy / likely to have your happily-ever-after. In fact, it can only bring you closer to your TRUE happily-ever-after with the right person for you.
TIP: Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve this relationship and heal before reentering the dating scene. If your mind and heart are still focused on your last relationship, your experiences dating new people aren’t going to reach their fullest potential, making it important to wait until you feel ready. There’s no universal timeline for readiness, as there are a wide array of variables involved, but you’ll know in your heart when it’s time.
Confident that what’s meant to be will be
When there are still lingering feelings after a breakup, it can be easy to wonder why the relationship couldn’t just work out. It can be easy to romanticize your ex and feel like they were “the one that got away”. However, what’s truly meant for you can’t possibly get away! And if by some chance this person actually is meant for you, you WILL find your way back to each other.
TIP: Even in the case that this particular relationship is meant to be in the future, it’s important to grieve and heal from it now. The only way it can succeed later on is if both partners can move forward from the first go-around. By the time you come together again, if that happens, it should feel like a brand new relationship. Of course, this isn’t a possibility to harp on in the midst of a breakup. It’s just to say that faith is a crucial tool to lean on in times of mourning and uncertainty. When you trust that what’s meant to be will be, it’ll be easier to release your fears and doubts. If this isn’t your person, trust that someone so much better-suited for you is on their way to you!
The bottom line…
Ultimately, ALL relationship statuses call on you to have confidence! All the more reason to strengthen your confidence, so that you can be your best self for whichever season of your love life you’re in. Now’s the time to become the best partner or prospective partner (and partner to yourself) that you can be!