Welcome to the seventh blog post in the series “Monthly Mindset Shift”! As the name indicates, this series has one new post per month and will continue for the next several months. Each post in the series details a positive mindset shift we can make surrounding a feeling or experience that generally has a negative connotation. (Spoiler alert: For this post, that experience is outgrowing long-term relationships and friendships!) These shifts aren’t designed to erase all of our difficult/unwanted emotions around the topic at hand. Rather, they simply serve to improve our general outlook on the matter, which can, in turn, improve our actions and our outcomes. They’re all the more proof that a healthier, more constructive mindset can change the game!
If you’re struggling to let go of a long-term relationship (whether romantic, platonic, etc.) you know has run its course, this blog post is for you. When someone has been present in your life for so long, it can be easy to romanticize that history. After all, it’s a beautiful thing when someone’s special role in your life can stand the test of time. But what makes it beautiful is that the two of you are truly right for each other. When you’re not, though, it can feel more like a weight to carry.
“Quality over quantity.”
We hear this line all the time in reference to various things, including the relationships in our lives. As cliché as the expression may be, there’s a reason why it’s a cliché—because there’s so much truth behind it. Would you rather have 50 friends who you don’t really connect with beneath the surface OR 10 friends who you have deep, meaningful friendships with? Sure, having 50 friends who you connect with deeply might be your ideal scenario if you’re a people person. Chances are, though, among the two choices, you’d much sooner choose the deep connections with 10 friends over the surface-level friendships with 50.
Upon reflecting on how to reframe our mindsets around letting go of those wrong friendships/relationships, particularly those that have years of history on their side, I came up with a new expression that goes hand in hand with “Quality over quantity”…
“Quality over history.”
What does that mean? In short, the present-day quality of friendships/relationships should matter more than their duration or their previous quality. Let’s say you have a 10-year-long friendship that was great for you and the other party when it started. In the present, it no longer feels great for one or both of you. It now feels incompatible at best, if not unhealthy. At this point, there’s no need to force what’s not working anymore. You both might be very different people than you were when you first connected. Now your current selves just don’t get each other the way you used to. It doesn’t mean that either of you is in the wrong; it simply means that you’ve outgrown each other. You can still appreciate that person’s valuable role in your life story, without letting history trump present-day quality.
Of course that doesn’t mean that if you’re going through a rough patch in a long-term friendship or relationship, you should automatically let that person go. Relationships of all kinds, even the strongest ones, go through hard times. Having a strong foundation with someone is a good reason to work through conflict together, particularly when the problem feels solvable. If you’re truly still right for each other, you’ll be able to find a resolution and maintain the friendship/relationship. In fact, it may even strengthen your connection.
Alternatively, say that you find that it’s hard to remember a time when things felt right between you two. This is when it becomes apparent that history is THE thing keeping you in each other’s lives. Having history with someone can make it harder to let go. However, your reasoning for holding on is grounded in what used to be rather than what currently is. The good memories you made with this person don’t have to disappear by letting the person go. Instead of clinging to those memories as a reason to stay, know they can remain in your heart regardless of whether you stay or go. You can still appreciate and look back fondly on them as often as you’d like. Why stay when it no longer feels right in your gut? What are you really losing at that point?
Let’s explore another hypothetical. Would you rather have a long-term childhood friend who you don’t really connect with in adulthood OR a friend who you met as an adult who you have a deep, meaningful friendship with? Chances are, even if you’re nostalgic when it comes to childhood friendships (completely understandable!), you’d choose the friend you connect with more deeply in the present.
Walking away from a long-term relationship or friendship requires a lot of confidence. Not just confidence in yourself but in the fact that you will attract something better-suited for you. My post How to Strengthen Your Confidence in Any Relationship Status gives some insight on this topic, especially under #4 (Going through a breakup). Although that post is specific to romantic relationships, the general sentiment applies to all types of relationships. You may not currently be able to understand why a certain relationship wasn’t meant to last forever. Even if you never fully understand, though, things should slowly make more sense over time.
Sometimes in life, you meet someone who understands you within a month more deeply than someone you’ve known for years. Time doesn’t singlehandedly dictate the power of a connection. Be patient for those people who are undoubtedly right for you, as they will come. Before you know it, you’ll have created new beautiful history with them. In the meantime, make space for them by letting go of those who are currently more familiar but just not right for you.
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