Happy February! We’re kicking it off with one of this month’s key themes—love—more specifically, self-love! In recent years, there’s been a growing emphasis on the importance of self-love, rightfully so. After all, we spend more time with ourselves (24/7/365 without fail) than we do with anyone else. With that being said, it’s pretty crucial to love the person you spend 100% of your life with.
Today I want to not only reinforce this importance, but also explore the difference between self-love and confidence. These two terms are often conflated and seen as interchangeable, but I can’t help but see them as two different things. Are they related? Absolutely! But the exact same? Not quite. If your overall perception of yourself hasn’t been as positive as it can be, this blog post should hopefully give you some clarity on what this means and how to change it!
Self-love…
Self-love is deep-rooted and virtually unconditional, even if it may be tested from time to time. Those conversations you have with yourself at night are products of self-love and being your own best friend. Self-love embodies comfort with yourself, as well as an unwritten understanding that no matter what you do, say, or experience, you will ultimately have your own back.
The only times when a person’s self-love might be in question is when they’re going through a very low point. Even in these instances, self-love tends to be resilient more often than not. You can think of self-love as similar to the love you have for a close family member. That person may frustrate you from time to time, but at the end of the day, you’ll always love them.
Lastly, your possession of self-love doesn’t compartmentalize you or your life into categories by assessing how you are as a romantic partner, a friend, an employee, a parent, etc. or how well you’re doing in a certain area (ex: finances, beauty, fitness, popularity, intelligence, etc.). Rather, it sees you as the whole person that you are and loves that person no matter what.
Confidence…
Confidence, on the other hand, is a little different. While the average person consistently loves themself, they may not consistently feel confident in all arenas of life. For instance, a person who hasn’t been having luck in the dating department for several years now most likely loves themself in spite of this. However, it’s possible that they haven’t been feeling the most confident about specific parts of themself that could be contributing to their dating difficulties. They may lack confidence in how they’re coming across to potential partners (physically, personality-wise, or otherwise), their judgment in determining who could be the right person for them, or even their readiness to be in a serious relationship despite their desire to be in one.
If this same person were in such a low place that their self-love was starting to diminish, they might start to look at themself through a lens of intensely harsh, potentially even hateful judgment (not to be confused with your typical self-criticism or insecurity), because they’ve come to the conclusion that they must not be good enough to be in a happy, loving relationship. Confidence when having these thoughts simply isn’t possible, as self-love is a pre-requisite to attaining confidence. Self-love can take place while confidence in certain areas is lacking, but confidence can’t take place without self-love. (It’s kind of like how all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares!)
Why it matters…
So, why is that distinction worth talking about? For starters, it’s an important reminder that when you’re feeling a little less than confident in one or more aspects of your life, it doesn’t mean you don’t still have a great amount of love for yourself. Just because you’re having trouble achieving a goal doesn’t mean that you are any less worthy or capable of it. It also doesn’t mean that you won’t make it happen when the time is right. You have what it takes, and deep down, your self-love knows that, even if you question it sometimes.
There’s another powerful message that we can take away from this distinction. A person’s self-love can help them elevate their confidence in the areas of their life where it’s lacking. We may love ourselves, but how often do we remember to really act on it when we need it most? Self-improvement is one of the greatest manifestations of self-love. It’s loving yourself enough to commit to working on yourself, which will inevitably enhance your quality of life.
This concept in action…
Returning back to my comparison of self-love to the love you have for a close family member, think about the last time that you helped a close family member with something, which in turn, made them feel better. You may have helped them because they asked for it, or because you sensed that they needed it. Either way, you knew that helping them would make a positive impact on them. This was enough of a reason for you to do it, because of the deep love you have for them.
With this instance in mind, realize that you owe yourself the same kind of courtesy. When you’re not feeling your best, turn your self-love into active participation toward boosting your confidence. For instance, if you’re that person who’s been unlucky with dating, identify why that might be, and do whatever’s within your control to promote the likelihood of better experiences going forward. That could mean getting better at following your intuition, making your dating app profile better reflect what you’re looking for, doing personal development practices, or anything in between that applies to you. While many variables in dating aren’t controllable, now’s your time to make positive changes to those that are! (For more on what’s controllable vs. what’s not, head to Which Philosophy Speaks the Truth?).
In another example, if you haven’t been feeling confident in your career, take whatever constructive action you can to change that. That could mean furthering your education, talking to your boss about a promotion, starting your own business, or again, anything in between that applies to you. Ultimately, whatever will boost your confidence and have a constructive outcome is worth doing for yourself. Even if it takes hard work, discipline, bravery, etc., dare yourself to power through for your future self’s confidence!
The bottom line…
This concept can only fully sink in by understanding that self-love and confidence are not one and the same. The most basic level of self-love is necessary to lead a decent life. Turning self-love into action in order to reach confidence in all important areas of your life is necessary to lead a great life. Now that that’s settled, go and create your own great life!