Welcome to the third blog post in the series “Monthly Mindset Shift”! As the name indicates, this series will have one new post per month for the next several months. Each post in the series will detail a positive mindset shift we can make surrounding a feeling or experience that generally has a negative connotation. (Spoiler alert: For this post, that experience is envy!) These shifts aren’t designed to erase all of our difficult/unwanted emotions around the topic at hand. Rather, they simply serve to improve our general outlook on the matter, which can, in turn, improve our actions and our outcomes. They’re all the more proof that a healthier, more constructive mindset can change the game!
Envy is one of those things that we know isn’t constructive, but we engage in it anyway. As normal and natural as it is, what if there’s a better way? Before we get into that, let’s briefly touch on what envy looks like in action.
Simply put, envy is looking at other people and thinking to ourselves, “I wish I had their ______”. Some examples of what could fill that blank include but aren’t limited to the following:
-Physical attributes (ex: body, face, specific facial feature(s), hair, etc.)
-Material possessions (ex: house, clothes, car, etc.)
-Professional/financial accomplishments (ex: career, wealth, successful business, etc.)
-Personal relationships (ex: love with their significant other, social life with their friends, etc.)
-Character/personality traits (ex: friendliness, work ethic, confidence, patience, courage, etc.)
Usually when we feel envious, there’s a sense of insecurity surrounding it. We play the comparison game and put the other person on a pedestal. We believe they’re somehow superior to us, just because they have something that we don’t currently have (or at least we don’t think we have it).
I’ve come to realize that there’s a fairly simple mindset switch that we can all adapt to prevent ourselves from feeling this way. When we see someone who has something that we want, instead of feeling envy toward them, we can let it inspire us to go for it ourselves! Envy is seeing something that someone else has and merely wishing you had it too. Aspiration is understanding that you don’t have to just wish for it—you can have it too. It’s just a matter of identifying what actions you can take to bring yourself closer to having it.
For example, say you envy someone’s success through social media while you’ve been wanting to create an online presence yourself. You can turn that envy into the aspiration to attain your own version of social media success. Without copying them, take inspiration from them. Observe what steps they’ve taken to grow their social media over time. Let their success act as proof of what can happen when you go for what you want. Let it fuel you to channel the work ethic, can-do attitude, and skills that are already within you.
Keywords in that last paragraph: “already within you”. What if the things you envy about other people are more accessible than you realize? What if you already have the tools within you to have what you want? You might think the other person is more *insert positive quality* than you are, simply because they have something you currently don’t. In reality, it might just be a matter of channeling those particular qualities a little extra. That’s not to say that you’ll automatically get what you want upon doing this, as there are circumstances and external factors at play outside of your control. It’s just to say that you’re more powerful as you are right now than you probably realize.
Even if the thing that you envy about someone else is a personality trait, it doesn’t mean you don’t possess it. It could just mean that you haven’t fully unlocked it yet. For example, you might envy someone’s charisma, but that doesn’t make you uncharismatic. Maybe you just haven’t activated that part of yourself. Maybe you just haven’t met the people or been in the situations that would bring it out of you. Or maybe you HAVE activated it, but you just haven’t realized, because your charisma looks different than that of the person you envy. Whatever the case is, if it’s something you wish to improve upon, you absolutely can! The key is to do so in a way that’s authentic and natural for you, rather than copied or forced.
Obviously, certain things are much easier and more possible to recreate for yourself than others. For instance, if you find yourself envying someone else’s face, you can’t exactly recreate your face to look exactly like theirs. Sure, you could go to an expert plastic surgeon who specializes in recreating someone’s specific facial features, but that might be a little excessive, right? What you can do, though, is work on feeling more confident in your own facial features as they are, while enhancing them in any ways you can. As the popular saying goes, sunsets and flowers are both beautiful, and they look nothing alike!
Also, in the case that you envy someone for being in a relationship with someone who you wanted to be with, the aspiration should NOT be to break them up. If you’re actually meant to be with this person, their current relationship will be temporary. If you’re not, though, it won’t even matter whether or not their relationship lasts, because either way, you won’t be with them. As opposed to fixating on wanting to be with that particular person, observe what it is you like about them. Your aspiration can then be to someday have a romantic partner who possesses those qualities AND who is meant for you. Trust me, that person is out there!
The moral of the story is that envy isn’t necessary when you are capable of having what you want. It may not come in the package that you once wanted it to or that it did for someone else. But by the time you have it, you’ll realize it wasn’t meant to come in that originally desired package. It was meant to come to you exactly how and when it did. Even your timeline, which may be more delayed than you would’ve wanted, will start to make more sense as it unfolds. Instead of resenting someone who has something you want, let that person be your inspiration for also attaining that thing. Again, it may end up looking very different for you than it does for them, but that’s okay! You should want it to feel custom-made for you anyway.
Contrary to how you may feel in a moment of envy, your desires are not out of reach for you. Seeing what’s possible for others should serve as your reminder of just how much is possible for you too. Let that excite and motivate you to go after everything you want!