Have you ever found yourself questioning your own judgment in determining whether or not someone is right for you? I’d venture to guess that we all have at some point or another. We’ve all probably had at least one, if not several, relationship(s) in which we initially perceived someone to be a good fit for us but later discovered they weren’t. Situations like this can leave us feeling defeated and distrusting of others, as well as of ourselves.
While there’s no foolproof method of ensuring it never happens again, there are two sides of the coin that we can examine when evaluating a relationship or friendship. They may seem fairly obvious, but sometimes the obvious things demand to be said! So, without further ado, let’s try to determine whether or not that person is right for you (rhyme unintended)!
1- Refer to your standards, desires, etc. for that type of relationship. How do you feel about them as a person and a partner or friend?
If you haven’t made these lists yet, I strongly encourage you to do so! (Last week’s post Relationship Standards: Break Them Into These Simple Categories should help you with this). Knowing what you want—in as much detail as possible—will reveal whether or not this person matches that. In the case of a new relationship or friendship, you may not know if they match it yet, but that’s where getting to know them better becomes important. Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions and have deep conversations. Additionally, the more time you spend with them, the more you’ll witness their actions, which should bring the most clarity.
Continuously referring to your lists will help you pinpoint what’s working and what’s not. As for anything that’s not, it’s then a matter of identifying whether or not it’s a solvable problem. Certain differences are small enough to overlook or work through, while others are major, relationship-ending problems.
Generally, matters involving betrayal, disrespect, or distrust aren’t likely to be resolved. Matters involving miscommunication or lack of communication are usually more solvable, as long as both parties are willing to do that work. Matters involving incompatibility are tricky, but if the incompatibility surrounds something important to one or both of you, it’s probably not the best fit. Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but knowing what matters most to you should help guide the way.
Even if someone’s treated you well and doesn’t make you feel negatively by any means, they might just not be what you’re looking for. That’s okay! By letting them go, you’re giving them the opportunity to find someone who’s a better fit for them, while giving yourself the same opportunity.
2- Evaluate how you feel when you’re with them or even just thinking about them. How do they make you feel?
In the case of a romantic relationship, it might be easy to confuse excitement with anxiety. However, the difference lies in whether there’s a positive or negative undertone to the feeling. Excitement and even jitters (especially in the early stages) is fine, well, and good! Feeling on edge all the time, though, is most likely a red flag. Excitement can and should coexist with peace—and it will when it’s the right relationship. The reality is that our bodies can often determine whether or not someone’s right for us sooner than our minds can. That constant pit in your stomach is probably trying to tell you something that your mind wants to ignore. Contrarily, that deep sleep you’ve been getting might just be a sign of ease in your new relationship.
Whether romantic or platonic, you should also feel a sense of confidence that they feel the same way about you that you do about them. You should feel considered, thought of, included, valued, respected, etc. You should feel comfortable being authentically yourself with them, without anticipating judgment or rejection. If the mere thought of them stirs up a feeling of insecurity, that’s yet another probable red flag.
They might check all your boxes (ex: funny, smart, wanting the same things as you, etc.), but that’s how you feel about them, which is different than how they make you feel. If they always make you feel overlooked, that may not change the things about them that you find amazing, but ultimately, those things don’t hold enough weight on their own. Whatever the case may be, pay attention to your gut feeling, as it might just give you more insight than logic alone could.
The bottom line…
Though these two complementary components of a relationship or friendship may not be anything groundbreaking, sometimes we just need the reminder of what to be on the lookout for. Hopefully the explanations of each one helped you apply them to your situations in a more concrete, less cliché way.
Relationships of all kinds can be complex. Even the wrong ones have good elements to them, and even the right ones have room for improvement. It’s ultimately a matter of identifying whether the good outweighs the bad or vice versa, which can only be done by being brutally honest with yourself.
If this post led you to the conclusion that the person in question is right for you, that’s awesome! If they led you to the opposite conclusion, as hard as that may be right now, know that letting go will be worth it in the long run. Take this time to grow closer to yourself and reestablish your desires for future relationships. That’s how you’ll slowly but surely attract better for yourself!
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